I’m a recovering busy-aholic with a hard truth.

When I started showing up as my whole self, I was finally free.

You’re not busy? Must not be trying hard enough.

You’re not busy? Must not be normal.

You’re not busy? Must be lazy.

These lies that our society perpetuates seduced me into staying busy and not allowing myself to recognize the hard truth about my life.

An Addiction to Busyness

The realization that I was addicted to being busy came in a gradual wave that was born from the global slow-down of the pandemic. Rest was not a word in my vocabulary and I fought against it for awhile.

At the beginning of the pandemic, I replaced social events with working more and hustling. I filled every empty space on my calendar that was empty. Literally, every single space.

The thought of free time scared me.

“We are a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.” — Brené Brown

The Truth of My Life

After being laid off from one of my jobs, there was suddenly more time in my calendar. I was so focused on keeping myself busy because I wanted to distract myself from the truth of my life.

The truth of my life was that I was that I wasn’t truly happy because I wasn’t embracing my whole self.

I had been hiding my invisible disability and not fully showing up—to work, relationships, community—as my whole self.

Of course, there are many, many people and privileges that make me happy, and I knew that I had lots to be grateful for, but when it was just me and my thoughts, I didn’t feel truly happy.

So what did I do?

I filled my calendar with Instagram-approved self-care rituals and routines. I’m sure you can guess that forced face masks and essential oils didn’t quite do the trick.

I knew there was something missing, but I couldn’t figure out just what it was. I brain dumped things that I thought might bring me joy and decided to Marie Kondo my schedule.

It was time for more time outside, more reading and writing, daily walks, and picnics and patios.

After a couple of weeks of filling my schedule with activities that brought me joy, the joy started to stick and it didn’t feel forced anymore.

Showing Up as Your Whole Self

My new found joy in hobbies like reading and writing and being outdoors became a natural part of my weekly rhythm, but I still found myself in moments of performing and proving. There are times were times that I fell prey to the lies of busyness and filled my schedule up to the brim and pushing my invisible disability under the surface.

But the moment I put my story into the world about having the superpower of invisibility and having cerebral palsy, that all changed.

The next morning I woke up and my coworkers and colleagues all knew I was disabled. Many friends that had no idea I was disabled now knew.

It was scary—actually it was terrifying.

I was resting and showing up as my whole self for the first time in forever and I was free.

I haven’t got it all figured out, but I know that when I slowed down, I came face to face with the hard truth of my life and I had no choice but to address it and work to make a change in my life to move towards my new truth.

I’m deeply happy because I have slowed down and showed up as my whole self.

When you show up authentically—everywhere and with everyone—you’ll notice a shift and a new truth will take hold in your life.